Notes from an Italian Journey
Wrote this last week...a relatively new sonneteer..certainly have not invited critical comment before...so be gentle!Left Livorno in a bright, sapphire dawn, White mountains, crumpled like a thrown...
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Welcome from me, Alan.This is a beautiful and evocative poem - I wish I was on that trip right now.The sonnet from seems to be the one that evokes the strictest formal expectations. Iambic pentameter...
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(1) There are some things metrical about which, I'm prepared to wager, you'll hear plenty.(2) For my money, I loved "Noon:", which I translate as "post-coition update:", with the perfect dolphins...
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Hi Alan,Welcome! For your consideration some metrical points.Yellow candlelight, a dying ember.. [This line is trochaic. : A no-no.] Noon: dolphins leap through the bow wave's foam,[I take it this...
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Thank you for your kind comments and helpful suggestions.I'm no expert, but I do understand a little of the conventions behind the Elizabethan and Italian sonnet.I realise that the poem does do...
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Hi thanks for the metrical fitness test, from which I emerged, as in real life, somewhat overweight.Some of the metrical inconsistencies are probably fixable, some of them help make the poem work. The...
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Hi,The metrical wolves are upon me...as you predicted!Re: noon....I can see how that line can be interpreted as you suggest...the actuality of it was more prosaic...on the journey from Livorno to...
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No one who dreams of Ulysses can claim a prosaic actuality.
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Hi Alan,I'll go ahead and get this over with up front -- I'm one of those meter beaters they warned you about. Now, that feels better. However (she said, gently) having heard every excuse in the book,...
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Hi Mary,Thank you for your gentle words!I am relatively new to writing in the sonnet form, or at least giving its conventions the proper regard that the rigour of the sonnet board demands. I realise...
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Hello Alan.Funny, I was sure I'd commented before on this.Anyway, I enjoyed it, despite its metrical liberties.Would you consider "where" in place of "wherein" in L14?Regards
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Hi,Don't recall you commenting before...a touch of deja vu somewhere perhaps.Pleased you ejoyed this...I certainly enjoyed re-living the journey when I wrote it.I did, consider 'where' for the last...
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Alan,First, I liked the poem with regards to its story and imagery. It is evocative and gives a feel of Italy in the octave. The motor is to a large extent- your mentioning of colours. (Nice contrast...
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Hi,Many thanks for your careful critique.I agree that the thing is overloaded with adjectives, and needs a good pruning here and there.You are probably right that I should work on writing in a more...
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